anneandres

Cookies?

2008-12-16T07:54:49Z

I made cookies today.
Somewhat out of obligation, somewhat because I wanted to. I wanted people I knew to have cookies. I made some for the people across the hall, who will watch our cats during Christmas. I made a bunch for the people at work, specifically Raph and Kyle because they keep buying me games from the EA store. I can't find the tupperware container to bring them to work though. I am not entirely sure I would want to bring them in that container anyways, what with knowing what horrible things have been in that container before. Not that anyone else would know. And, to be fair, it is probably the most sanitized container in this city.
Speaking of which - ow. As much fun as it is jamming this fucking things in me once a week, it hurts. And it sucks, because, lets face it, what am I doing? I am keeping this fake vagina open, because if I don't, it will close up. Oh yeah, real natural, this. I think I am losing depth too. Not that it matter much, it isn't getting used for anything.
Still a hell of alot better than the other option.
This week was ok for me. I have had some times of being absolutely struck with tired. When you are talking or seeing someone see you and suddenly be overwhelmed with the knowledge that, hey, as much as you want to fight, you can't. So why bother?
When it comes down to it, why? If Christianity is right, I am going to hell. Or, if the other branch is right, when Jesus comes back, I get ressurected - how the hell is that going to be? Will my mind be healed and I will be made properly? Or will my body match my mind? I don't think it matters - what is done already is done. I can't go back. I can't really go forward either.
I had to spend the week waking up at 6 to be at work for 7. Which sounds worse than it actually was. It meant I got to go home pretty early, though I was exhausted by the time I did. And I hated going to bed early. It meant less people to contend with at work. It meant I could be left alone to do my job.
And it meant I didn't have to sit with people at lunch.
I am having such a hard time coping with this. As much as I used to fear saying something wrong, or my fucking beard showing, or my hands catchin someone's attention, now I know it is visible. I don't want to talk, because now I am brutally aware of the sound of my voice. I just don't know how much of it I can do. Not only that, if I don't sit with them, they might think there is something wrong with me (or them). And when I don't talk, it means they might think I am unhappy or depressed (which I am, but I sure as hell don't want them to know). Or that I don't care about any of them (which I do). And I can't look at anyone, because if I do then it provokes interaction. There is no way to win here. And tomorrow, I have to face it yet again.
And then all week at Christmas. Not only with my family (it was nice of my Dad to mention last time he saw me that sometimes my voice drops. That was a great ego stroke). But also with Steve's family. I have to deal with alot of people I don't know, specifically judging me, and I am not in any place at all to be judged right now. It isn't going to be relaxing. It is going to just be.. hard.
And worse yet, guess what Phil's new girlfriend's name is? Yeah.. I have no idea how I am going to stop from crying every time I hear it.
I keep thinking about her. I keep wanting her to know that she meant everything to me, and that I want her to be happy. That she deserves everything good in life. And that I wish I could have given it to her. That it was my fault. That... everything.
Great, now I am crying.
...and I still have to wash these things so next week, I can keep my fake vagina open.

He bought me flowers

2008-12-03T06:08:36Z

I am feeling alot better. Alot.
Yesterday I started on my new team at work, which I hate. So I was feeling like total crap. At lunch, I sat by myself because I couldn't stand to be around anyone. Halfway through, I went for a walk on the bug path. I was about to try out as I walked along cursing my existance, and I saw mushrooms growing out of the side of some purposely-left boards. Something about nature reclaiming this world made me feel better. That somehow, nature will win out and mans destructive nature wouldn't win. Then, I got home, and showered my areas. Its a plan. After I did that, I sat down and Steve presented to me a 'prime number of stems', which equates to 11 lilies. It made me feel even better. And, we got Wrath of the Lich King, and I got to say hi to some of my friends, and that made me lose some of my homesickness.
Today I started work at 7am. Which really sucked. I had a headache all day and didn't talk to anyone. A fat guy sits beside me and I can hear him breathing all the time. It frustrates me greatly. At lunch, I had a decent burger and lousy fries. I spent the rest of the day pretending to work and reading up on nuclear power. When I got home, we sat around for a bit and then went to BPs. It was decent, and we got to talk about nothing for a while. Then we came home and didn't talk and sat around and it was good. And now, I am going to sleep, at 10, because if I don't I will probably stab someone tomorrow.
I am so glad I am feeling better. So glad.

WHY

2008-12-01T08:07:11Z

How can we possibly think that there is a good and holy god out there? Why would they/he/whatever force life on me? Why do they keep abusing me and letting me live when clearly I don't want to?
I hate being me. I hate being. I hate that I wake up and have to be here. I hate that when I go to work, I don't look like I should. I hate that I am lying here with a big white thing in me to keep an opening open that shouldn't have to go through that. I hate that I cry and my eyes hurt and I can't deal with it.
I hate that I can't talk to Steve. Not because of him, but because I can't talk. We walked to 7-11 tonight and he asked what was wrong, and all I could do was cry. At least I finally cried. I needed it.
I was horrendously homesick today. I wanted so badly to be back in Calgary, where I know things, where I can feel in place.
Then I realized, I don't know if I have ever been happy. The only incident I can think of where I was content to the point of truly happy was sitting in Moxies downtown in Calgary with... her.. and waiting for friends. And then the memory fades into a grey hell of fog, and I feel alone.
I don't have friends. I don't have family. I don't have love. No love from outside, no love from inside, and no love from above. If ever there was the eternity without god, this is it.
How can this be acceptable? To anyone? How can it be ok for me to feel like dying every day? To feel so alone.
I want, just for one day, for one moment, to look up at a mirror and feel beautiful. To not feel like I am broken and damned. To see someone who should be here, not forced to be here.
Everything was so much easier back when I was a kid, building, reading, not know why I felt or even that I felt. I could just be there, and look out over the short world I knew, and have hope. There would be sun tomorrow, and more to learn, and things that could be.
Now that I have been out there, there are no more things. There is only pain, and waiting.
I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish I could handle things. I wish I could deal with myself, or with my life. I want to go to sleep and wake up in a place where I don't have to feel any more. No more shame, or worry. No more wanting to fight. No thoughts of my job failing, or me failing, or having to deal with Christmas. No uncertaintly. Someplace warm, where I am actually me now. Not this. Never this.
I don't have a way to end this thought. Hopefully I won't have to.
I'm about to cry again.
I don't know what I will do tomorrow at work. I can't sit with people at lunch. I can't deal with HR any more. But I have to keep going to work. I don't know how to keep going.
I want a fight, but there is nothing to fight.
Everything is inside, but its all still just hollow.

Transporter 3

2008-11-30T08:58:53Z

Movie good. Not amazing, but decent. Worth the $6.50. Not enough gang violence. Good driving, but not enough city driving.
What sucks alot is the rest of the day, leading up to the movie. Woke up at noon, which is good. Had some half-concious thoughts about the level, which got something going. Spent some time beating down Steve in Magic, which is good. Had some McDs, which was kinda good. Spent the rest of the night playing CS and getting owned and not overly enjoying it. Had some pizza, which was ok. Then on the way to the theatre to watch the movie, Steve told me why he didnt want to go to the aquarium. It comes down to two key points. One - I want it to be special and he doesn't know if he will be with me forever. *cue silent, barely held back tears*. And second, my smell is bad enough that he doesn't want anything to do with down there. Yeah. Don't get me wrong, it smells funky sometimes. And smells terrible sometimes. But not enough that I thought it would be that big of an issue. Apparently it is all the time. So I have to deal with that, or it isn't going to happen.
Essentially, I think it means it isn't going to happen. Especially since he said he didn't know if we would be together. So what the hell can I do now? He doesn't want me, I know I don't want me, I don't know anyone else who could want me. I seem destined to die a virgin, which isnt so bad given that I am 25. Seems a decent time to go out with a little dignity.
Not that I can do that to myself. Still have rent to pay and work to disappoint.

Title here

2008-11-29T07:40:20Z

I don't know if life got worse or better.
I may or may not be able to keep my job for a while longer, we will have to wait and see. For right now, I am scheduled for Monday, so I have enough money to actually be able to afford fancy things like food and underwear and rent.
I can barely stand to sit with people at lunch, because if I talk, it reminds me of my voice. If I frown, it reminds me of how I look. If I stack my chips or eat my food, it reminds me of how big my hands are. Essentially, I can barely look up unless I am staring blankly at the TV and waiting for lunch to end.
I lost horribly in Magic tonight to hardcore mana screw. It made me deeply, deeply unhappy. In ways I can barely even express.
I spent all night yesterday working on the level in Source, and it almost looks good. Until I loaded it this morning and it still looks like ass and still doesn't have flow. So it kinda feels like a waste of time, and a huge grind just trying to finish it.
There are no real jobs open that I could ever possibly do.
And I am cold and hungry and wishing I was sleeping while not wasting time.
Tomorrow I will try to eat a pizza. Until then.. fuck if I know.

It... gets worse?

2008-11-27T07:55:40Z

So apparently, I am no longer working for VMC as of tomorrow. And by tomorrow, I mean Friday. And then I go onto contract weekly bullshit like Steve is on. So that is almost good news. It means I have enough time to work on my map and be depressed and poor. How great will that be? If nothing else, I get to not sit at a table with people who know about me and judge me. I don't have to try to keep my voice in check, or try to be pretty, or smile. Which I can barely stand to do right now. Mostly, I just want to stay in bed and sleep. With or without Steve. Mostly with when I am awake, and without when I am asleep. I am comfortabler then. Especially since I keep waking up with that little bit of stubble that (just thinking about it right now) makes me cry a little.
Fuck this. I'm going to try to sleep. And suffer through my last two days of work for a company I didn't want to work for to begin with.

Long time comin'

2008-11-25T23:03:27Z

So yeah, its been... uh.. 3 or so months, apparently. And I am, once more, depressed.
A quick update of everything that has happened - essentially nothing. Steve still hasn't taken me to the aquarium, so we still haven't gotten physical. I haven't developed anything new or inventive. I am in the same crappy position at work. Two things did happen at work though. First, I got a promotion into dev space on a label team on a game I really liked. Then, because I dared to correct someone's grammar in an email, I got demoted back into WWQA. Which sucks, alot, because I am doing the most boring crap imaginable. Apparently the decision was made by some VMC jackass or another. I filed a formal complaint against him. He really angered me in how he handled the situation. Now he won't even look me in the eye at work, which I find great. Small victories of crushing somebody's spirit, I guess. The other thing that happened is... apparently.. all of the girls at work know about me. Which sucks. Alot. It is very hard to feel natural when people have apparently known for weeks or months and you didn't know and assumed they didn't know. The worst part of that is, one of them read this LJ and found out, and when she talked to the other ones about it, they already knew. How much does that suck? ALOT? Yeah. Here I was, thinking I was doing a decent job of being human, but, no. Not even close.
Aside from that, I've been working alot. Including extra weekend days. And playing alot of Magic. Getting better and better, I am. Steve fully won an FNM a few weeks ago, we were happy for him. And someone at our local FNM store won the province, which is sweet. We have totally given up on extended, because it is such a llama format. Too fast and too jenky, no real competition. Either you win because you win, or you dont because you dont. Why even bother having the other person there half the time?
I took today off because I just couldnt stand the thought of going in to work today. Which means there is a good chance I will be cut from the remaining people on the floor. Which just makes me more depressed. Steve is working there right now too, in a limited capacity. He has today off though. I don't want to be depressed. I can't afford it and I certainly can't keep my job being depressed. Either my work itself will suffer or I will stop showing up and get fired. I can't tell them I'm depressed because it isn't a real thing. Even though I have been diagnosed. What am I going to do, bring in the letter from Sloane? That would be a fun conversation to have with HR. So I don't know what to do now. I can't tell my doctor either, because I can't afford therapy or drugs. And she already kinda scares me, because she talks so fast. It seems like she is nervous to be around me.
Tomorrow I will go back in to work. And somehow deal with life. And try to smile, somehow.
I get to eat dinner with Zargon tonight, which will be really nice. I like eating with him.
...well, I managed to cry one tear last night. Let see if it gets better from there.

Yay! I'm awesome!

2008-08-07T06:40:06Z

So Teusday morning, I went to the doctors. Wasn't a bad trip, actually. She talked really fast, and it seemed she may have been slightly uncomfortable about me, but not in any way that she didn't want to help me. So next Thursday I get to get more hormones. So at worst, like, a few days without. And its within walking distance, and she will refer me to an endo. So all good things.
The rest of Tuesday was somewaht stupid and lame. I spent a few hours testing a demo, which had one whole issue. Then I spent some time waiting for a Wii. Then I spent an hour doing basically nothing. But I did manage to look up some adoption info and talk to Dad about mortgage info. then Steve and I went to BPs and I have somewhat convinced him to go pro in Magic the Gathering.
Which brings us to today. Work was totally stupid. I looked up some Magic stuff.
Which brings us to tonight!
I came in second in a DCI sanctioned Magic draft. I did damn good. I beat Steve into the ground. He lost 0-3, I won 2-1. I think technically I should have come in second, but something about the table setup meant I came second. So I was happy, and Steve wasn't. Which is too bad, because, he is the one going pro, not me.
Yeah. Thats about it. I'm sorta buzzed about it.

Monday morning

2008-08-04T16:28:26Z

I know, its weird for me to post in the morning. But I don't have any cereal left, its an hourl ater than I usually go to work, and I have 6 minutes to spare. Plus, I wasn't feeling very randy, which usually gets covered during this spare time.
My birthday was kind of a blur. It was good and all, don't get me wrong. Steve got me the bag I wanted. My parents got me a certificate to Old Navy. I got to pick up like 4 peices from Kara for Grazzy. So life is good all around, in that regards. it just wasn't any big what for. I didn't expect it to be or anything.
Yesterday I got to work. Bleh. NBA Live for Ps2. Why they even bother with that system, I don't know. And today i get to do the same thing. Hopefully, come Tuesday, I will be on a real project. I'm getting sick of that place already. I need a close knit final team like my first project, that inspired me.
I guess I don't have much to say. I'm feeling all right at the moment. Not awesome, but all right.

MAG DOWN!!

2008-07-31T07:24:02Z

We downed Magtheridon today. Well, 'we' is an overstatement. More like Dezba. I got to tank a warlock, then do minimal DPS for the rest of it. I was less than hardcore, but... I got to down Mag. I didn't get my name, unfortunately. I guess he needs to drop his head and I need to win it.
Either way, sweet! We killed Mag!
Yesterday we managed to kill Kael too, and I healed it. Well, Bew and I healed it. Mostly me, but he dropped some heals when shit got bad. Worked out really well, actually! We even managed to do it with no CC. Nothing of value dropped, though I did get the healer trinket, which is kinda... its ok. Still, means that we did something spectacular with very few wipes! And with Isel and Ram both dropping randomly!

Work has been kinda whatever. I'd like to say more, but.. I just sit there all day and play Sudoku. I did the compliance stuff pretty thoroughly and and prevented from doing it all. I need them to fix stuff and give me a new build before I can test it more.
I still don't know why nobody will talk to me. There is one nice girl, Taja, who has talked to me a few times. She noticed how fucked up I was on Friday last week. I wanted to hug her the last few days. But I also sure don't want to bring her into my world.

The last thing is.. another person on the TG boards wants to kill themself. I can barely bring anything good to say. Maybe... it isn't worth being around? I hope they can find something to hold on to. But I won't force them or lie to them. Life is hard, and cold, and even when you have someone holding you in bed, you can be totally alone.

Smurrrrrrrg

2008-07-29T06:23:40Z

The g may have been unnecessary.
Ok, so, aside from feeling like crying a few times, the past few days have been. Something.
Yesterday, did some WoW. Then went and got sushi and played some horror board games with the crew. Was pretty fun, but Allison didn't look like she had much fun. We won a game you aren't supposed to win!
So I did get called 'he' a few times by Jason. I was quite pissed off. I tried not to show it, but if he does it again, I am going to either punch him or walk away.
Today, I got put on a new project at work. Its just me. I am doing compliance for the ENTIRE game. Apparently. The game is so broken as hell that I don't know why I am doing it. The game itself is short and easy (card and sudoku) so I don't know why they think there will be work for me to do the next X days.
Red Stripe managed to get an allied guild, so we might actually get to do 25 man content before Wrath comes out. That would be neat!
And thats pretty much all of it.
Night.

A bit better

2008-07-26T18:23:21Z

So yeah, its a bit better, not great, but better.
Just kinda there, I guess.
Made it through yesterday with little incident. I did feel alot like throwing up all day. I blame the really fat guy who sat beside me, he kept farting and it smelled like rotting vegetation. I nearly threw up right then. Otherwise, I just spent most of the day not talking and trying to be left alone.
Got home, went to McD with Steve, did arenas for a few hours, then went to bed. Basically, it let me escape from having to think.
Today, apparently, we get to do some new WoW content and I get to tank it. Should be fun.
So now, I am just poking and trying not to think. Thats pretty much it.
Oh, I ate most of my jubejubes and all of my dill pickle chips and root beer. They helped. Now I'm all fat and fed and I don't care.

Life is hell

2008-07-25T07:32:34Z

So between today and yesterday..
Pretty shitty day at work. Realizing you have no friends, being cold and smelling like cat pee. Blowing up at your boyfriend over poor management. Even though he was right. Working for several hours to corrupt Wii memory only to find out it is nearly impossible. Essentially wasting the day being tired and miserable.
And then I got home and found a letter from the BC health people. Turns out because of thier shitty scanners, they put my original name and gender on the card.
So I cried myself to sleep.
I managed to wake up and get a heroic Arc run done, which was amazing. And then more crying and sleep.
Didn't go to work today. Spent about 5 hours on the phone (literally) trying to get ahold of somebody to fix this. Finally got someone named "Bill" who said he couldn't change the gender until the feds have, but he could get the right name on it. So at least I have that.
Spent alot of time crying today and my eyes hurt. big black areas. And I feel alot like throwing up.
There are some days that you just have no want of being around. How much can a person really take? The little crap, who cares. But when it comes to your core being, your soul's identity, being harassed and crushed? After months of being totally free of external and, really, internal thought and fear? And then this comes up, and in one motion makes you want to go to the bathroom and grab the entire bottle of aspirin? (Again)?
I don't know how much use I am going to be at work tomorrow. I will probably alienate everyone even more. I am not much fun and pretty depressive to be around when I am depressed. Kinda, want to hide under a warm safe rock and not have to deal with the world. Ever.
..yeah

happy sigh

2008-07-23T06:23:18Z

Today is a goooood day.
I got to play Boogie at work aaaaaaall day. It was so much fun! I got the white girl dancing skills! It was just... tiring. I am buying that game the day it comes out. For me and my mom.
I feel like the girls at work are avoiding me. I am pretty sure they aren't, its just a timing thing. But I guess I wasn't that fun on Sunday. Wouldn't surprise me much. At least I am making all sorts of friends being the dancing white girl!
So I walked home and was displeased by Steve. I was all excited and he brought me down alot. We went to eat, and the dude at Subway wasn't very bright, and made us the wrong sandwiches. So we paid a bit more (but I got bacon, so it was worth it). And Steve kinda treated me poorly. No big deal, it just took all of the wind out of my sails after dancing at work all day.
Nobody made mention of my plum hair. I loved it though. And since I wore all black including black fishnets, I had a queen of the dead thing going on. I felt I looked good.
The best part of today? I just finished a timed run of Shattered Halls. One of the hardest things to do in WoW that isn't raid content. And it was done via a PuG! How awesome is that? I got to finish like 5 quests! And steve came, so we got to make up a bit.
And now, I am done poking, so I get to go sleep. After folding laundry.
Night world!
-Annie

Plum!!!

2008-07-22T01:41:42Z

I have 6 minutes to get this stuff out of my hair. And then I shall have plum hair! And some red, because I suck at dying my own hair. But I don't care, I think strands of red in there is a good thing!
Guess what I did at work all day?! I PLAYED BOOGIE 2!!!! OMG!!!
I am buying that game the day it comes out. I love that game! Its a dance game that uses the Wii Remote (note, not a Wiimote, that would not be compliant). And you get to dance and try to keep the beat. Its really hard to do when you aren't standing, because there are moves that require you to do a full spin. Alot of people hate the game, but they all just think they look stupid playing it. I love how I look playing it, because I am having fun. And I'm almost good at it!
I don't dance, and I want to dance!
Elsewise, we saw Batmeng (Dark Knight) yesterday. If you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT!!! One of the best movies of our time! It was crazy awesome! The Joker literally scared me.I'm not kidding. If people like him existed, this world would be so fucked.
Ow, my head hurts.
So soon, I get to shower, and make food for Steve and I, and then either play WoW or Wii-Bowl for a while.
Life is currently very good.

Its over! I'm free!!!

2008-07-19T18:42:49Z

I can't believe it, its finally over. We are done testing Fifa 09 for DS. We went out for celebration last night, which was super great. The entire team didn't get to go, unfortunately, because some people had other stuff. Still, four of us got to go, and I brought Steve. I think we get to have the entire team together for Thursday.
I got a good 9 hours of sleep last night, that was totally worth everything. I woke up this morning with alot of tummy pain, but it went away when I went to the washroom. And of course, now, I poke!
I don't have a heck of alot to say. Life is alot less stressful now. I need to go shower, and then.... freedom.

Sadness

2008-07-17T06:31:16Z

Last night, as I was poking myself, I was, as always, reading the TG boards. As it turns out, someone who I am remotely close to me is really close to killing themselves. I really want to be there for them, but there isn't a whole lot I can really do from far away.
Last night before bed I logged into the forum chat room and she was in there, but wasn't talking. There is a post today in the forum, so I know she is still alive. But I want something more than just her surviving.
The thing is, if she dies, I honestly don't know what I can do to stay alive myself. I don't know how to describe it. She is essentially in the same spot I was in years ago. She just broke up with her girlfriend because she needs to transition. She is in terrible places and can't really make it any more. Something inside me would just die, knowing that.. I killed myself.
I don't know how to say it. It doesn't matter. I spent all day just wishing she could be ok. That she could be happy, which is what she deserves.
I did manage to send her a private message an hour ago, to which there is no reply yet. I let her know that I love her. And I don't say that easily. Sure, I am a tree hugging hippy freak, but I don't usually walk around telling people I love them.
I hope she will be ok.

As for the rest of the day.. I had some bland noodles for lunch (I need my good ones from Steve). I had a somewhat ok chicken burger for dinner. worked until 2100. Found a pretty big bug at 2058 though, which prompts some suck come tomorrow. And, tomorrow, I get to do it all again. Hopefully, this time, without feeling so alone inside. That, and cramps. I was actually in physical pain almost all day with stomach cramps from worry.

Right.. I had a dream this morning. I don't recall all the details, but I was back in Montreal. About now, actually. Dr Brassard was too busy to see me, and there were ALOT of people there. But everyone seemed happy. I had brought Steve, but the weird thing is I couldn't find him. he just kept being slightly out of my reach. I knew he was there, but the thought of losing him was persistant. That probably din't help. Here I am, in a very happy place, with alot of people who were going to or already happy, but I was starting to feel more alone.
I really need her to be ok. To find a happy place.

Blerrrrrrgh Day 9

2008-07-16T06:44:09Z

So yeah, I don't want to be on this project any more. It's aggravating how disorganized it is. I've run the same tests with so many diffierent results, just because the materials provided suck. So I am getting really run down.
Elsewise, things are ok. I came home Sunday (tired as all hell) but feeling ok. I bought everyone slurpees, because I wanted to. It went over well, made everyone happy. Then I got to go home and try to not pass out. I succeeded in not passing out. I got to go eat foods at RR with Steve, and that was good. Then we went home and stuff.
I don't remember much of Monday. Except that I went home tired.
Then today, I was supposed to work overtime, but I decided to come home instead. Because I didn't want to burn out more.
So that brings me to now. Somebody on the TG boards is in a really bad place and there isn't alot I can do about it because they won't answer. I have OT tomorrow and am super not looking forward to it.
I am no longer full of hope. Just.. tired.

Hope, day 2

2008-07-12T07:09:51Z

I was right to be filled with hope. We all are.
I found 8 bugs today and really impressed myself and the team. I did well and felt good all day. I got home, and I had my Steve, who loves me. And soon, I get to sleep.
I don't even care that I work tomorrow. I just care that I have hope.
Alot of it.

Hope

2008-07-11T06:07:11Z

I was walkng home today, and listening to some music, and I was overcome with hope. Absolute, loving hope.
Nothing else that happened in the day really mattered (except Steve having nightmares :().
Because once more, I felt the touch of God.

Tuesday, 2 more criticals

2008-07-09T06:47:00Z

I found more critical fails. I am so damn good at my job. The messed up thing is, even though I am just on the project for a little while, the pressure of it being the last pass means I am stressing like hell. I'm burning out and its only been like 4 days. I am on this pass until Sunday (yeah, gotta work this weekend) and then it is out of our hands. I am going to be irked as hell if Nintendo fails it because they didn't give me sufficient time to do my job. Seriously. I expect them to let me do what I was hired to do. If they fail it and I get any flak at all, they can all eat my ass, because all I needed was more time.
Anyways. I spent most of the day in a bit of a daze. I was so focussed on working that I couldn't be of much use any other way. I don't even watch my voice at work most of the time because I am so focused. That, and listening to my iPod and the game and a third or more people, there is only so much of my brain I can devote. Everyone keeps calling me a guy. Not that I care, actually, because there is no way in hell anyone actually knows. Even if they suspect, I think they are calling me a guy just because 98% of the floor is guys. At least, thats what I keep telling myself.
When I got home, I got a nice shower. I would have liked to shave my legs, but I was still hazey and wanted to go eat. We went to BP's and ate some good good chow. Well, the pasta was good. The service sucked, and we had to ask for extra salad dressing for the salads that came out AFTER the main course. But, he comp'ed our drinks and gave us dessert. So overall, it was a pleasant experience.
Then we ran HSlabs, and I am only 4 badges away from my new chest peice! Win!
So I am going to try to actually go to sleep on time tonight. If Numb3rs isn't good tonight. Which it will be :(
So, no sleep for me. I expect to be in a haze for the rest of my career at EA!
-Annie

Monday

2008-07-08T06:50:09Z

So, lets start with Sunday. Or Saturday. I slept till 1 on Saturday. I needed it badly. Then I played WoW all day and went to bed. Now can we go to Sunday?
Sunday was stupid. I was all excited and ready for WoD. Everyone was on board, as far as I knew. Cleaned the house nicely, made sure to vaccuum the wold. And at noon, ONE PERSON HAD SHOWN UP. I was very, very pissed. So yeah, Danny had shown up, which was good. He played on the Wii for a few hours and I called Steve to come back from helping his Dad. Then we all went to Red Robins (all three of us) and ate. then we saw Hancock. It was... different. Totally not what I expected. I don't want to say it was bad, by any stretch. But I just can't say it was good, either. I'd like to, but I can't. Then we went home and played WoW until bed. Wasn't a bad day, except I didn't get to play WoD. And now I'm really upset at Jason in particular, because he just turned off his phone and wouldn't even cancel on me like a real man.
Did I mention Steve and I made cucumber rolls on Saturday? We did, they were fantastic! We also made some tonight, but I was on the phone with Mom for like 2 hours explaining computer stuff, so I failed pretty bad at making them. They turned out pretty badly, but still tasted good.
Then we got to run Ramps, and soon, time for sleep!
But one more note, to the overall super-abridged version of my life. I am good at my job. I don't want to say better than the rest of the people on my team, but I am finding some catastrophic bugs! I am doing my job SO well!
Anywho. Night!

Yays!

2008-07-04T07:33:29Z

Gotta keep it short, because I am dying to death of being tired.
Yesterday was decent. Very inefficient day at work, but we still got alot done. It really bothers me when people tell me to do a job, I ask them if I am doing it properly, and at the end find out that I did it half properly. Ah well, no big.
Today was great! There is a new listing for Black Box on Gamasutra for junior game design, so I am very much going to apply for that. Elsewise, I did some very good work on Fifa 09 NDS. I only got to run 4/6 tasks, but I single handedly found enough issues to bring the final certification pass to a grinding halt. I did my job, sorta, but I REALLY did my job elsewise.
Oh, and I got to talk to a boy a bunch today. Karl. Nice enough guy, kinda zany. He was fun to talk to at work. Apparently I'm cute. And we might do stuff. But who knows.
So yeah, now I'm passing out. All in all, good things though.
Goodnight!

HAPPY CANADIA DAY!!!

2008-07-02T07:15:49Z

Not a typo.
Happy Canada day!
May we all be so Canadian as a beaver sailing a moose down the St Lawrence!

So woke up a little late. But refreshes, because it was actually pretty cool out. Or in. And by pretty cool, I mean, not 29 degrees.
Its nice and cool in this room right now too. A very comforting kind of temperature.One I enjoy for dilating.
Anyways, we didn't do much today. Ran some stuff in WoW. Then went for sushi. Ate WAY too much, as usual. And then bought some toothpaste.
And now, I intend to watch Numbers, and sleep for 7 hours. And that is my entire plan for tonight.
Happy Canada day.

melt

2008-07-01T09:30:45Z

Not quite, but damn am I sunburnt.
So yesterday, we went and saw Steve's father and co. Nice people, and his dad seemed cool enough. Overall, not a bad time. He didn't seem to disapprove of me. And my bestest best dress still fit, so thats the most important then.
Then I went home and slipped into a coma. For about 4 hours. Woke up, watched the end of Armageddon, and went to bed again.
Then comes the bad part.
Aside from waking up several times, I had a continuous dream. For those who didn't know, i can leave and reenter the same dream, given the right circumstance. Sometimes, unintentionally. This time, very much not a good thing.
I was rollerblading around in a series of parking lots in a roadside strip of hotels. Most were under construction or closed, so it wasn't exactly busy. I could rollerblade really well! I was waiting for someone, but for the life of me I have no idea who.
So I am rollerblading in wide circles around the strip, with not a single person in sight for miles. It was dusk on the prairie, so I didn't have anything to worry about. Until, that is, some girl started throwing rocks at me. I wasn't all that offended, I was a moving target. I was mostly just impressed that she was an excellent shot. Well, after a few beamed me in the head, I got a little worried. So I started skating away from her as best I could. I only had a limited stretch though, and my ride was not back yet. So its not like I could get far. Eventually, she managed to capture me under a hotel balcony that was under construction. I cannot remember the exact details, but somehow (I daresay at gunpoint) she and some other person took me hostage.
So, that part sucked. But what I found out later is WHY I was taken hostage. Basically, I was going to be used in porn. So, I was crying alot. Pretty much constantly. The bad part of that (beyond the obvious) was that it was "that kind" of porn. So they just kep me around longer because I was crying so much! The strange thing is, I was never actually in any sexual situations in the dream, they were all implied.
Before it actually got around to the whole sex thing, I asked if I could at least lose my virginity to someone I loved. The only person there was Nich (he was also captured, but as usual he didn't really care much. Its a Nich thing. And its not like they were going to abuse him). I wanted Steve, but since Nich was the only one around, I wanted him. But they wouldn't let me. So instead, they were going to have me be abused horribly on camera while still a virgin. Oh yeah, lots of crying.
I can't remember most of the rest of it, but I know I didn't get out. I remember waking up to the real world a few times and being sucked back in to sleep.
Overall, suckage. The thing that screws with me is that one of my sexual fantasies is to be in a "forced" situation. Guess my brain disagrees.
So, I woke up at 8, finally, and went to work. So brutally sunburnt that I could barely wear my shirt. Worked pretty hard, made some more mistakes, but overall, a productive day. Then I got to come home, superhot, and went to the mall. Air conditioning = win. Koya = win. Did a bunch of shopping for necessities and forgot to buy toothpaste :(
Played a little WoW. And then, now, time for sleep.
I get tomorrow off, and it is only 2:30, but its finally cooling down. Maybe I will have better dreams this time.
-Annie